Archive for the ‘Film and Television Reviews’ Category

A big question obviously.

Do you prefer the 1979 suspense filled, slow building masterpiece that was Alien?  Or do you prefer the balls-to-the-walls, fuck you sideways with lots of machine guns far superior sequel, that was 1986’s Aliens?

It’s obviously Aliens, but why?  Here’s why:

(1) Instead of 1 Alien, there are thousands of them!

(2) The company, whilst merely alluded to in Alien, is fully represented in the slimy and corporate cold, Carter Burke:

(3) It’s got marines, and they’re all badasses with big guns!

(4) Ellen Ripley has a pulse rifle and flame thrower, and she’s not afraid to use them.

(5) The drone guns, only available in the special edition (so special I couldn’t even find a picture of them!)

(6) They blow up the planet this time! That’s a lot bigger than blowing up the ship from Alien.

(7) It has this scene…

(8) Oh, and it has this scene…

So there you go.  Conclusive proof that Aliens kicks Alien’s ass.

Love it.

 

A question almost as old as time.

I will now present a bullet point list of the positive points of each show, and award 1 point for each bullet point I include.  So first it’s:

Firefly:

* Christina Hendricks
* The cool spaceship
* The humour
* The character development
* The awesome characters
* The reapers
* The war
* Inara
* River

The Shield:

I didn’t really like anything about it, so no dice.

So, by a score of 9 to 0, Firefly wins.

Lots of my readers stop me and the street and say:

‘Hey, when you gonna write about the N64’

‘Leave me alone weirdo’ is my normal reply.  Well no more, for I will write about the N64 today.

I recently got my old N64 back up and running and here are my findings:

It’s awesome.

4 words for you:

Zelda  Mario  Goldeneye & Perfect Dark

… Ok that’s 5 words, so what, point is, it was a cool console.  and I for one am very pleased to own one.

If you don’t own one feel free to hang your head in shame…

Now.

 

I got this from a reliable source and if you don’t want to know the in depth story and plot points of the movie I highly suggest you stop reading now.

Opening:

There was this race called the Engineers, they came from a planet orbiting Sirius, called “Flamajam”.  They evolved for hundreds of thousands of years and eventually developed space travel.  A hundred years after developing this they discovered the secret of interstellar travel.  This allowed them to visit other worlds and meet other Alien races.

It was then that they realised that they had something special to offer the universe, something truly wonderful.  You see the ‘Engineers’ as a race are all mad boozers and love nothing better then brewing and developing world class beers.

Main plot:

So this one engineer, Davy, comes to Reticuli and plans to open up a string of high class bars and nightclubs. Trouble is that on his way down to the planet, his engine malfunctions and he crash lands and a couple of containers in the hold are left on ‘on’ mode.  Knowing that the planet is abandoned, he goes into semi-stasis (only awake for 3 hours a day) and waits for 4 years in the belly of the ship doing nothing but sleeping, eating, playing Nintendo games and brewing his beer.

The Prometheus:

Back on earth the Prometheus is sent on a mission to Reticuli, however it’s a fool’s mission.   An ancient engineer put symbols all over Earth, directions tp Reticuli basically.  But the symbols were only to say that ‘when you’re ready, come along and sample our beer.  First 10,000 humans get 1 years supply of Engineer home brew.’

So the prometheus lands and goes to the ship they find.  Trouble is that the stuff in the hold is flat pack ikea style material for the night clubs.  A dna technology that interacts with anything it touches, it begins turning some of the crew into buildings.

Aliens:

The engineers knew that their beer was quite strong and that customers may on occasions get a little rowdy.  So, what did they need?  They needed bouncers.  What better bouncer than a Xenomorph?

You see, the Xenomorphs are actually nice guys, a little testy.  You’d be pissed off too if your blood was acid.  But the Xeno’s always liked the engineers and were more than willing to take up the role of Bouncer.

The Problem:

Once the ship crashed, the parent Xenomorphs sadly passed away, and the children with no one to tell them what to do were left with nothing but their rage and agression.  So when the human’s punted up giving it ‘come on then’  the Aliens were like ‘yeah, fuck you right back.  This is last orders bitch’

The resolution and finale of the movie:

The engineer gets beaten in Punch-Out on the NES and heads back up to the ship.  Once there he finds there is a bit of argey-bargey going on between his bouncers and the humans.

“Haw, quit that, ya bunch a wollopers.  This is ma bar, and you’re all gettin barred if you don’t calm yer beans. Right?”

After that everyone calms down some.  The engineer cures the humans and tells the Xenomorphs what their job is.  The humans and the aliens shake hands and the Engineer declares the bar open.

Closing credits:

The humans, the Engineer and the Xenomorphs then begin dancing to ‘Club Tropicana’ by Wham and all have a great time.

My thoughts…

Shocking I know, certainly not the plot I was expecting, but it sure does sound like a fun movie.  I for one can’t wait to see it.


I played the most mental game ever last night, it was ‘Smooth Moves’ this crazy Wario Ware game on the Nintendo Wii.

Nintendo, pound for pound, make the best games, that’s just a fact.

Anyway, back to the game:

The Story:

Non existent.  It starts off with these weird ancient stone drawings of a Nintendo controller and then you’re in this wee town and playing these weird little mini games.  But it’s fucking awesome.

So, to learn how to play these little funny games you get these tutorials from this… well, he’s a stoner:

How funny is that!

Here’s an example of the gameplay.  It’s just this crazy from start to finish.  Every game is so simple.  But you can easy lose 2-3 hours of your life playing this game.  A couple of beers, easy.


Play this game, you will love it!

I would like to begin this by saying that I love Kate Beckinsale.  I’m not just saying I think she’s a great actress or I like her movies, no I’m saying I think she is drop-dead-gorgeous the nicest person that England and Britain has ever produced.

So, knowing that going in is important, because when I tell you that Underworld Awakening was the 2nd worst film I’ve ever seen, you should believe me.

The Plot:

Is non-existent.  Just some lame ass shit about these super werewolves, have vampires/half werewolf things. Blah Blah Blah.

Even worse:

It’s boring.

Catsuit:

Kate Beckinsale spends the entire film in this rubber catsuit and looks pretty good. Even that cannot save this movie.

Honestly if I was going to rate I’d give it a 1 out of 10.  Had it not been for Beckinsale I would have literally given it a 0 out of 10.

Me and Kate go back a long way* but the truth is the truth.

*we don’t go back a long way

Here’s a nice clip thing from the first movie, which actually was ok… (a solid 6 out of 10)


Presenting, one of the worst songs ever written……