We’ve all been there.  3pm, just finished a mamoth session of Zelda:Occarina of Time, your beer’s done, the twiglets have been exhausted.

What do you do?  What are you gonnna do?

Go out to the local garage to buy a boost?  No, you’re not 15 anymore, and the… well, the stuff you did in your youth, is behind you.

No, you go to your kitchen to make a vegetarian burger; the biggest PHHHattttest Veggie burger this side of Falkirk.


A burger bun
1 leaf of Lettuce (no more)
1 jar of crazy relish (only to be purchased from Larry’s Relish store in Falkirks Milne Street)
1 Quorn burger
6 Onion Rings
4 Rashers of Real bacon (Not veggie it has to be real meat)

Cooking time 20 minutes.

When you’re done, head back to the living room.  Eat the burger.  Feel good. Head to bed. Sleep. Get back up. Go for a run. Meet some friends for lunch. Play Tennis. Have some beer and dinner with Friends. Go home. Put on Zelda, Play Zelda.

And the beat goes on…


Lots of my readers stop me and the street and say:

‘Hey, when you gonna write about the N64’

‘Leave me alone weirdo’ is my normal reply.  Well no more, for I will write about the N64 today.

I recently got my old N64 back up and running and here are my findings:

It’s awesome.

4 words for you:

Zelda  Mario  Goldeneye & Perfect Dark

… Ok that’s 5 words, so what, point is, it was a cool console.  and I for one am very pleased to own one.

If you don’t own one feel free to hang your head in shame…



I watched the film Wimbledon today, the one starring Paul Bettany and Kirsten Dunst (I watch it every year before Wimbledon).

It’s awful, bad acting, bad script, bad tennis scenes.  They’re the negatives.

The positives, the love story is kind of nice, Sam Neil is in it, and a brit does win Wimbledon at the end of the film.  I repeat a British Player wins Wimbledon at the end of the movie.  It’s very emotional and very uplifting, and I think this film has to be compulsory viewing for every Brit competing in the next 2 weeks.

This is the year a British Player wins Wimbledon.  I predict it will be one of the following 3 players:

Andy Murray
Laura Robson
Heather Watson

All they need, I repeat all the need, is…


Lady Victoria’s path to pro tennis has been a tumultuous one, but it has always been on the cards.

At age 6 she picked up her first racquet… not to play tennis, but to use as a weapon in a street fight at her £17,000 a year private school.  That incident earned her the nickname “carnage”.

At age 11 she stepped onto a tennis court for the first time.  She was playing a 1 set match with a fellow pupil and was leading 5-4 and serving for the match.  At 30 love up, her opponent sneezed in a manner that Lady Victoria felt was bordered on gamesmanship, so taking matters into her own hands she walked round the net to her baffled opponent.  Just as the other player was about to ask what was happening, Lady Victoria delivered a measured left hook to the face that knocked her out cold.  She then returned to her own side of the court and fired down to aces to win the match.

An ugly incident to be sure, but the PE teacher that day saw a raw tennis talent in Lady Victoria that if properly nurtured could develop into something special.

Lady Victoria, under the tutelage of Tennis Coach Ivana Gunn, practiced night and day, so that just 6 years later, at the age of 17, she won the coveted Roseford Glass Trophy in Falkirk.  Lady V has been passed over for a wildcard at Wimbledon, so she’s re-dedicating her efforts for the US Open where she is quietly confident of winning the tournament.

I caught up with Lady V at the Hungry Monk Eatery in Hamilton’s trendy Burnbank area.

Lady V’s stylist called to say that she was running a little late, some story about a hot tub incident.  So I went a head and ordered up a “Triple Threat” (that’s 3 bottles of Champagne to you and I).  Lady V eventually rolled in 40 minutes late:

Nice to see you Vicky, it is good of you to grace us with your presence

Yeah hot tub malfunction

sarcasm bypass?

No, it had a leak

Right.  So are you gutted you didn’t get the Wimbledon wildcard?

A little. But the way I look at it, they’re idiots.

A little harsh, you’re still a young player, and you’re world ranking of 982 reflects that, it was always a long shot for the wildcard, no?

No, as I said they’re idiots.

Ok, fancy some bolly, bolly?

You know it.

At this point I terminated the interview and just had a nice night out with the good lady.  She can put away the booze, I’m a little embarrassed to say that I passed out on a couch at the bar.  The owner of the restaurant told me that Lady V got into a fight with the bouncer at the end of the evening that ended up with that doorman in the emergency room requiring 3 stitches.

Just sooooo good:

The highways jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive
Everybodys out on the run tonight but there’s no place left to hide
Together wendy well live with the sadness
Ill love you with all the madness in my soul
Someday girl I don’t know when were gonna get to that place
Where we really want to go and well walk in the sun
But till then tramps like us baby we were born to run

… Is a beautiful thing indeed.

Example 1: Excert from “Only Forward” by Michael Marsden Smith

“When you’re born a light is switched on, a light which shines up through your life. As you get older the light still reaches you, sparkling as it comes up through your memories. And if you’re lucky as you travel forward through time, you’ll bring the whole of yourself along with you, gathering your skirts and leaving nothing behind, nothing to obscure the light. But if a Bad Thing happens part of you is seared into place, and trapped for ever at that time. The rest of you moves onward, dealing with all the todays and tomorrows, but something, some part of you, is left behind. That part blocks the light, colours the rest of your life, but worse than that, it’s alive. Trapped for ever at that moment, and alone in the dark, that part of you is still alive.”

Example 2: Excert from “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” by Lewis Carroll

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,’ Alice remarked. ‘Oh, you can’t help that,’ said the Cat: ‘we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.’ ‘How do you know I’m mad?’ said Alice. ‘You must be,’ said the Cat, ‘or you wouldn’t have come here.”

Example 3: Excert from “Rama Revealed” by Arthur C Clarke

“I will not be afraid because I understand … And understanding is happiness.”


No one does sad quite like the Eels.  They’ve got the market cornered in melancholic music, anyway… this is from “I need some sleep” and is mucho sad:

I need some sleep
It can’t go on like this
I tried counting sheep
But there’s one I always miss
Everyone says I’m getting down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go… You just gotta let it go